Last Spring, My buddy Shane Austin (tothefuckinggrave) and I did some recordings with our friend Rob Button for a college project. It was a very experimental process, and we had a lot of fun doing it. This was one of the tracks, titled “Restless.” It’s extremely rough and at parts outright unpleasant to listen to, but thats kind of the point.
Lyrics: “Oh god, let me sleep. Oh, please don’t leave me restless. The blood from my hands is soaking the mattress. I’ve never felt so guilty. I’ve never been so afraid. I’m begging you to change me or take me away from this place. Am I just a defect of man, a failure to meet the mold for your master plan? Oh, I’m begging on my knees. Oh, please, please change me.”
“Oh child, I am here to answer your cries, just know its not the first time you’ve fed me those lines. I’ve heard you speak the words but I’ve never seen you take the time to try and change the way you are, so tell me why should I? Always asking why then doubting my existence because shouting at the sky never answered all your questions. How dare if you even speak of divine intervention? You’re just a boy. You don’t know my intentions.”
“Oh, heaven, please forgive me, but I have nowhere else to turn. I know you exist as the scars and the burns that you left on my skin when I was at my worst. I’ve abandoned my faith, but you abandoned me first.”
“Your collapse in my absence shows your doubt in yourself, yet you’re so quick to place the blame on anyone else. When a body meets a body, one is bound to leave a mark on the soul of the other, in the depths of their heart. Your high horse came crashing in and stomped on your values. Until you step down, no love will have you.”
“Is this the way I’ve come to be, consumed by my self-pity? I used to see her in my dreams, now I’m burning this city. I’ve carried so many hearts. I’ve held them oh so close to my chest, but if I can’t carry hers, I swear I’m burning all of the rest. You can’t tell me it wasn’t real, when I fucking felt it. It’s not that love doesn’t exist, I’m just the only one capable of it. Well, I screamed and I cried yet you chose to ignore me the way you did my brother and father before me. Behind these sinning eyes, I swear there is good. Given the chance to be a better man, I swear that I would. I’d do this myself if I thought that I could. You see, all of my efforts are misunderstood.”
“Boy, look in the mirror and see the man staring back. I’m the voice in your head, I’m the will that your heart lacks, the gospel you have etched in your chest, I’m the memories you’ve tried so hard to repess. You can’t run from your pain. It will only come back. So embrace all your fears. They are all you have left.”